Is not Avoidant Behavior Disorder

Hey, It’s been a while.

I just didn’t have anything exciting or depressing enough to report. I live a very mild life, no great achievements or nothing relevant happens to me. I am not important.

I lay every night in bed alone, wishing that is going to be different the next day. That even when I know I might end up alone there’s a low chance that it could change, that someone random can see what others haven’t, what I haven’t been able to show.

I’m awkward by default, I tend to make things awkward all the time. Is like I’m wired that way, is the result of the many fails in life. The wall is strong, so strong that even knowing the possible outcome to something I might do or say I still do the worse instead of showing vulnerable, instead of telling them in. Yes, this is another post about failure and there were factors that didn’t help my insecure personality. I’m not going to write about those, is something that appears to not have a solution. My frail mind obviously thinks is fine to explain what I really meant instead of what I said but then I also go over the possibilities; he might not care at all, or he has moved on, or I was just a distraction, or he is waiting for me to say something.

I have reached.

I have contemplated.

I have gone and read a few post on the Forever Alone subreddit.

I’ve tried to stop thinking about but since I woke up yesterday, once I realized around 9:17 pm that he wasn’t going to reply, even when he was online, I told myself I didn’t have to delete the app or make myself invisible. I didn’t have to cry because I have done that before and it has just been barely 16 days.

I got attached too quick. Not to him, it’s the idea, to the chance I might have had.

Maybe my brain has a kill switch, whenever I feel like there’s something good out there for me, that something nice is about to happen my brain cells activate the stupid part, the part that is incapable of tuning in with another human being. The social part.

I feel sad for future old alone me.

She’s going to be a sad cranky lady and it breaks my heart.