a little heads up would be lovely

I have this pattern. I have these thoughts and ideas and dreams that will never see the light of day. I don’t have friends, I mean want to but people push me out of their lives. Is me, my personality makes them push me away. 

I don’t get text messages or calls, my phone is just for decoration. I’ve noticed that the effort I make no longer works, even when I’m trying to work on how I talk or act. no one is seeking for my company. No one wants me around. If I don’t talk to people first, they don’t talk to me at all. Ignored. My phone hasn’t rung in in months, I mean people from outside my family don’t call me. I have asked myself what is that I do or say. I do try, I swear. I just want to know now, if there’s no one for me then why even try. I know some people are destined for great things, others to have families and others to just be alone.

Am I that?

Am I supposed to be the lonely person?

I can accept it if I’m that, if I’m that is okay. The uncertainty of not knowing is what keeps me down. Is why I don’t post anymore, why I don’t update social media, or why I sometimes lie to myself thinking people might care if I delete it. Is why I seek men’s attention on the web and then later regretting because the outcome is going to be the same. I don’t reach out anymore. Why?

What’s the point?

I’m stuck, have been for years.

I’m stuck and I don’t know how to get out.