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people never pick me.
Listen to this on a loop: click
is late, 1 am.
I’m sleepy but for some reason I find that my neurons behave better at this time, when everything is dark and there not so much noise.
I hate noise.
but then again, im listening to music trying to drown the silence. is idiotic but that’s the way I function.
I was going to make goals for this upcoming month but lets laugh about them now because we know that’s not gonna happen, at least not all of them. there so much I need to work on that is hard to pick one and then try to focus on work on one specific thing, because that is the main problem – picking one single thing to focus on.
anywho.
who?
No one is there, no one is on the other side.
Still unable to retain interested people in my life, well theres some that have opened up but im tired. I don’t like to show myself the reasons I kept myself isolated all this time. people have a way to show me how right I am. no surprises there, nothing can surprise you when you have seen how people destroy each other and then pretend they like each other, pick a side or make up your goddamn mind.
You hate such person, then stick to it!
Bunch of judases.
Theres so much to offload right now but is like my fingers can’t write fast enough. see what I mean about the am’s being the right time for some brain dumping. is just flowing like a river.
you know I can stick to a topic. is the voices, they tell me that such and such are far more important to write about but then, if there was a way that I could just canalize one idea and then focus on that one, seeeee I can’t even try.
umm –
scrunching my face so hard.
My. mind is blaaank!
Is scary, when I am this happy. I swear, i’m waiting for life to punch me in the face so hard. but maybe is because I have taken myself out the conversation that’s going on all around me. avoiding chaos, there should me some sort of master class and I could teach a few classes. Maybe some kind of TA. How can I smell the fart before the shit starts? Also my mouth, wow. I been running my mouth so much.
I think I’m having some sort of manic episode.
Or is it the coffee?
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February – consistency
I know, I’m not consistent and is a problem.
There was a lot happening at the same time and then my brain decided it needed a brake. A long one. All I could do was read and lay in bed, which is fine by me since is the thing I love the most but even if I wanted, I couldn’t will my body to get up and write. I just couldn’t.
For days I would promise myself to open my laptop and write but it was like I could do anything but. it felt like hard labor to me, and then I went into this mini depression and then manic mode, and then I had to will myself to calm down. literally calm down. I was overpowered by my own dark thoughts and maybe the hormones had something to do with it.
I’m fine.
I was fine it just that I needed a minute or two. To let things out, out.
I wrote on my notebook, the same one I promised myself I would follow on to the T. Writing down the things I needed to the daily, just to keep myself organized because I can’t seem to do that. The important things, like money and food I can do, the rest; I cannot.
IS like my brain is aware but just limits itself to what I could obsess over. Like book tabs, I am constantly obsessing on book tabs and I can’t for the love of the color yellow find the right ones, the right ones are the ones that I currently running out of, only three more colors and that means that ill have to settle with the ones I was able to find but those, those won’t match the colors of the highlighter tapes I use to annotate my books. and I keep looking, thinking about it even though I know I can’t or will not find that exact kind because the story that brings it doesn’t have it stock or will not have it at least for the time being.
That exactly the way my brain works, I do have other thoughts, but that exact one is the one I currently have.
There were some other highlights in my life through out the last month of February but sometimes less is better. But the truth is this, I can’t or couldn’t organize my ideas in time. I’m a mess at the moment and I need a minute to figure it all out.
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February 9th
Been having a liquid diet only, only because well I ate something I don’t usually have because I cannot digest it well and well, you can guess how the hours were.
I have a man moaning in my ear, by choice – The Professor by Anonyfun
Taking a sick day off work while sick is horrible. I hate to miss days of work, because I hate being idle, my mind wonders too much and I’m the type of person that has too much too doo and too little time but a mind that wonders everywhere, so much that I cannot move. This time, I wanted to do so much but was too sick to do anything. I couldn’t read or play on my switch or even the TV. It hurt to move, to eat. The only thing I could do was lay in bed and sleep.
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February 7th
earlier, this morning. and yesterday too I was cursing like a sailor. Is a way to relief tension.
Bar Bar Bar – Cayon pop
Sometimes going around talking to strangers might backfire, like, when you talk to someone you might never meet you get this need to be yourself, like your true self. And don’t saying you’re always yourself ’cause you’re not. That person hides inside the bedroom, with music you don’t share with everyone else or tv shows you find hard to recommend to people because sometimes their opinions might change how you feel when you’re watching it. Telling strangers is best because the other person, on the other side is also trying to find someone to vent, maybe. Maybe that person is like you, looking for alike minds that just want to talk, really talk.
for some reason I need to let everyone know that my curtains are backwards. it doesn’t really matter since they are the same color, front and back, just that the outside is a shiny tone of the same one on the inside, I noticed yesterday.
the headache is back, just now it started and is annoyingly painful.
i’m obsessed with book tags and office supplies.
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February 6th
I was unable to do anything yesterday.
Been having a slight headache for a few days now. There might be a virus or I’m having COVID again, whatever it is I need it to go away so I can continue with my life.
Yesterday and today, windy. Is rare that kind of weather, just wind. The sky was grey for half of the day and that’s not important but there hasn’t been really anything interesting.
I met someone.
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February 4th
My alarm went off around 6:30 am, I was already up by then. I have been getting little sleep lately. I’m trying to fix it, is annoying waking up in the middle of the night. And also going to bed too late and getting up too early. It makes me annoying and cranky and also my energy lives are on the floor by 5 pm. It sucks, at least I’m able to accomplish a few things in the morning, but still, I want to be able to fall asleep right away. I will move most of my things to the early morning and start to slowly try to get to bed the earliest, like 10:00 pm.
Fell into a food coma after eating my weight in pasta. It was yummy. I had it with pesto and tomato, a bit of pork. A little side salad and did the dishes right away.
I’m taking zinc. Supposedly you can’t get sick if you have zinc everyday.
I’m going to bed early, I’m tired.
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February 3rd
Decided to let you know when I have a new thought or idea, each block is an idea or thought. So, when the color changes it means I jumped into this on a different time of the day.
I have some sort of pain, well not some sort of pain. My lower back hurts almost everyday. It was after I did Crossfit, might be related to it. Keep contemplating going to a doctor to check it but talk my self out it, like most of the things.
Got a facial, extractions and face massages. If you know you know, it doesn’t really hurt until you get to the soft parts. At least it doesn’t hurt me. When the nose is involved I go into survival mode. It doesn’t really hurt, It just feel like I’m going to lose my marbles and sometimes I can’t breath. completely normal.
Just finished buying the glasses, good thing there is amazon pay, makes things simpler and my information is not flying around everywhere, also stuck to my budget, two glasses under $100. Not bad.
On chapter 5 now, Diagon Alley. I decided to buy tape specifically for highlighting the interesting bits; people, places, important details, for future reference and charms + spells. Looks very pretty, and is soothing, aaand I was able to get my hands on the audiobook too. Is very immersive reading and listening. I keep forgetting that I want to add pictures of the things I’m using. Will try to make it pretty, if I can remember that is. My Brian is all over the place.
I’m dreading this social thing I have later today. Not really dreading but just slightly preoccupied.
I got Quinn and its been an experience.
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February 2nd
I forgot.
I mean I remember through out the day but whenever I meant to write down my thoughts or ideas, they just …
I colored my hair and had a haircut, pretty good. pretty decent if I may say so myself. the only thing is the styling which I think I can learn how but we’ll see tomorrow, tomorrow is a new day and things might change, not the color, but the way my hair falls around my head. I think it suits me and for once I’m not having second thoughts.
Again, last night I went to bed or was it this morning. I know I ended falling asleep around 3-4 am. And I’m low on sleep, which trigger a lot of stuff in me. I know, I know and I even bought pills for it but is like there’s something that just wont let me go to bed earlier than 2 am. and that’s me
right now, sitting on the toilet, lol. I’m going over all the things I said I would do and couldn’t because I was outside, and all the things that needed my attention were indoors.
I don’t want to move..
I’m tired.
is 10:20 pm
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February 1st
Welcome to my head.
I woke up around 11 am and still have yet to clean myself.
Even with the desire of going to sleep early that one failed. I am trying to annotate my Harry Potter books, I started or restarted because ‘my materials’ were not going to be enough. I did finish the first one and almost on 15% on the second one.
I will add the materials later, if I remember to do that.
Is laundry day so my clothes are scattered along the hallway in small piles because I don’t like to mix my work clothes with the rest.
I have background noise, meaning youtube on while I think of things to write.
Oh I bought a switch lite, because I felt that having it mainly for animal crossing would allow me to really play the way I want to play.
I have a used espresso machine. used it for the first time today. it was given to me without a manual or explanations on how to use it. and like the resourceful lady I am, well I went online and figure it out. Now I’m feeling the aftermath of drinking coffee.
The use of dictation is making me faster in a side project, that gives no benefits, I’m currently doing. Also a bit fun trying to making it understand me. And it finally does, people come home and I’m too ashamed of speaking out laud my ideas of the smut books I read, mainly because I don’t want to be looked at as weird. I could go into my room but I don’t want to. Sitting on a comfortable chair while I use my computer is very well comfortable.
Trying to use Capcut, is a science that apparently is too advanced for me. Zillenials maybe can learn it right away, I’ve started twice and can’t seem to figure it out. Let’s see how the PC/Mac version goes. But then the fan is going crazy and the memory keeps spiking up, I don’t like it so I will uninstall it.
I have written almost 6 post for my book blog, and I’m exhausted. Trying to remember the important details which is hard because I don’t write things down, or haven’t. I used to but stopped because reading on a moving vehicle is distracting enough and then trying to go back and…no is just too much and cannot. Will not. Refuse to. But i’m done. I can write it off my to do list, before 11 pm.
Took me three days again, three days to see The Zack Synder cut. That Lex Luthor played by Jesse Einsberg was good, he was smart and unhinged, maybe because he played the guy from Facebook. Don’t know but I enjoyed him.
I should be in bed, is already the next day.
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I’m not okay 