Must be nice not being me

The problem with the human brain is that you only know what’s going on in your own head. Studies have tried to tell us what is going on, the chemical balance in your heads and the pills that make us “feel better”. I’m not saying I’m bipolar or anything like that. Well, I might be. I haven’t been tested but I’m pretty sure I suffer from some sort of depression, or mental illness.

I don’t want to get tested, and then sometimes I do. More and more when those pretty thoughts cloud my head and I find myself wanting to cry because life fails me miserably or I just don’t understand why I feel the way I feel.

Maybe is hormones, being a woman is possible. Period peeks and then the pains and the uncomfortable feelings down there and then there’s the bloating. On top of having to bleed from your lady parts there’s the issue with bloating. Gaining up to 10 pounds just because your time of the month is approaching. Is cruelty at a it’s max!

The last time I cried, like bawled my eyes out I owe it to two things. A boy and my period. Maybe it was or my period and then the feeling of lost magnified it by ten and made me cry like I lost the love of my life when it was more like something I held onto because I’m a very lonely person. I feel neglected most of the time and when I find someone that shows a genuine interest in me I let the walls drop and that’s when they usually disappear, when I have feelings.

I have avoided having those from quite a while. Like years. Is pretty easy to numb yourself from them when you’ve had years of practice and now, now that I’m in the process of letting someone get to know me I am back to feeling slightly depressed, a little bit suicidal and maybe paranoid.

This is not a cry for help. I don’t need a hot line number or a doctors opinion.

I need to vent.

I need time to heal and to understand that if it happens again, that if he disappears I will be ok. That I will be better than ok. Because I am not ok, not right now.